Thinking

What's reality and what's all made up? I guess what I mean by that maybe is what part of life is just a rat race? 

Yesterday, I tidied my bookshelves. I found all my journals over the last 20 years and put them together on one shelf. I just briefly read a few pages from several journals (my earliest being from High School- littered with a lot of "I am listening to Madonna (or Naked Eyes or whatever) right now...). Anyhow, I see a crazy pattern in myself- I am constantly trying to find the answers and to create a plan. I have probably a hundred "life" plans- all involving tabs, fonts, color coding, etc- that I abandon. I must accept this in myself it's my nature. And we are all a bit crazy aren't we? But there is some surrendering that I must do. I really don't want to do this in the next 20 years. 

Summer has been interesting. My three year old daughter and I have been together without interruption of preschool or much in the way of naps. I have let a lot slide. But what I am thinking about now is that- not much of what I let go of was very important. Just busy, things I think I should do or be. I think I will be very discerning in what I let back in. 

What about you? What feels more like rat race to you? What busy actions can you do without?

Home is Where the Heart is

I'm still here. As many of you mothers know- summer changes everything. Time for personal projects is minimal- but I have still been reading and pondering. Today my thoughts are going back to a quote I read from the book that I wrote about a month ago (Robert Shaw's The Epidemic). Here is the quote:
"We've lost our sense of what matters most in our children's lives- and when we do know, we are not spending the time or energy to make it happen. Then there's the great conspiracy of silence. It's not politically correct to say some of our lifestyle choices are not in the best interest of our children..."


What do you think?


Up until reading that quote, I took the line of trying to be non judgmental about parents who opted for day care and both parents working full time. I took seriously the gospel out there that women shouldn't turn on other women and belittle their choices. But the kids of these parents will be the friends of my kid and they will grow up and be in charge of the world. Maybe it is my business- maybe it is all of our business.
Heaven knows there are lots of ways to screw up our kids. And certainly I am guilty of more than I would like to admit. (Let's just say one relative has commented on our having no rules in our house). But isn't putting your little one in the care of someone else for the majority of time that they are awake- a huge blunder? 
I don't have the answers- and I sure don't want to go back to a pre Betty Friedan mindset, but this is important stuff. "What matters most in our children's lives?"

Five Year Gestation?

Warning: This post is going to sound corny and self serving!


Recently, I was thinking about how little time there is to do all the writing, reading, blogging, etc. that I love to do. L's napping in unpredictable, we are going to school less days (see previous posts) and summer is coming... I remembered how a friend told me (and she was told by her mom) that it takes until your youngest born is in kindergarten before you get your "you" life back- but then you do. Some days five years seems like an eternity. But what was my free time like before my daughter was born? I occasionally get a glimpse by looking back at my journals. There is a self importance, a lack of perspective and yes a neuroticism I don't wish to repeat. So maybe these 5 years will change me (no doubt I am still neurotic and self absorbed, but hopefully a little less). What do you moms think? Is this a time of rebirth? When you get a bit you your life back are you changed for the better? Or just more grey hairs and worry lines? I still have a year and a half to go. Time to be on hold: to play bubbles, laugh and cry with my daughter and look into her eyes for as long as she lets me. Maybe I can slow time down even more.

Three Year Old Perfection (to her mom and dad anyway)

Self Portrait (from L's photo portfolio)

So yesterday was the end of our evaluation experience. Punctuated by a committee hearing on L's eligibility for special needs help or disability services. Although the results of her evaluation are that she is in the normal range for her developmental progress, and we feel comfortable that what we see at home and on play dates is just fine and no red flags, her teachers are still certain there is something wrong. We believe their hearts are in the right place, but they are wrong. They are so certain that their school is "flawless" (my word not theirs) that they can't believe that it may not be a good fit for my daughter. Therefor the issue is our daughter and not the environment to them. 

So with their words ringing in our ears at the end of the conference committee: "we are certain you will be back to the office of special needs in a year and you will have missed valuable time", we are over analyzing every little quirky thing L does. Along those line, here is kind of a funny little story.

I was driving my daughter to school a couple of weeks ago and (somewhat inanely) engaging her in conversation using techniques that her evaluator had given me. Oh and  let me add that many mornings before this whole evaluation experience- I would have the radio on and we would have a relaxing, fairly quiet ride to school. Well after about 5 minutes of my prattling on, L says to me: "Turn the radio on please, Mommy" (she's nothing if not polite). And when I did, she visible relaxed in her car seat and looked out the window in relief. 

So much for all this expertise????

Scratching the List

Caught! Another image from the photography portfolio of our three year old.


So I am thinking today of that poor, naive gal I was last week. What folly she had listing all these projects she expected to get cracking on. Instead our saga with L's preschool continues. We have (hopefully) our last meeting with all things to do with 3 year old evaluations tomorrow. At this point what I am worried about is L's fit within her preschool. I'm not sure how or if we will be able to continue to go there to finish out the year. 


Not to worry. I'm content in the knowledge that this is what I signed up for with motherhood. I will get to some extra curricular projects going in the future. Now- if I could only scratch taxes off that list of projects.


Oh and did I mention that nap time is getting much shorter too. No rest for the weary mom.

I Don't Want to Be a PTA Mom

It's funny in the last two days I have heard from two different moms about their fear of becoming a PTA mom as their kids pass from toddler, preschool age to big kid age. And I too concur- no PTA for me (not that any of us would poo poo anyones choice to do so). I can't speak for my friends, but my feeling is that the basic options for moms of big kids is to either have a "successful" career (however that would be defined) or be an awesome, professional mom (which would include a lot of school volunteer work). But most of the moms I know don't relish either option. There has to be a new option- one that we can be proud to speak of in which we are vital, interested and continue to be interesting. I know I always have project ideas that would keep me engaged and vital and leave time for heart to heart conversations in the afternoon with my daughter when she needs them. (I haven't figured out where these projects might have earning potential- and they are mostly only interesting to me).


Here is a sampling of what's on my current projects list.
1. Taxes (enough said- not worth discussing)
2. Garden ideas (will talk about if I get to it this year).
3. Veganomicon- which I mentioned in an earlier post. My desire is to go through the whole cookbook and through trial and error find about 10-15 fabulous recipes. I think of this as kind of like a little piggy bank- the calories saved and the veggies eaten in these regular meals will afford us decadence sprinkled through out an average week.
4. The Fashion File:

I splurged on this lovely book the last week. I'm 41 and recently decided I have about a decade left to look pretty decent so I better get cracking. So this book is written by the costume designer of Mad Men. She suggests thinking of yourself as a character (or the character you want to be), assigning three adjectives to that character and then design the wardrobe around that. 
I've come up with my adjectives- but I'm a little embarrassed to share. Tell me yours first.




And 5. This blog and a journal to sketch, play, write and think in. Thanks for sharing this space with me.

Fashion Week

I'm interested in fashion this week.

The color circles are inspired from a spring catalogue I got in the mail. So cheerful to think spring.

The thumbnail sketches (excuse the lined paper) are from a library book I've been pouring over called: "Fashion Icons of the 20th Century"

The top sketch is based on WWI fashions. There was a term "Kriegskrinoline": the use of crinoline during wartime and an interest in a sentimental, backwards look to happier times in fashion. (And the addition of some military decorations on these high fashions to speak of the times).

I thought all of this interest was purely abstract for me, but I find it seeping into my own closet issues. Now I can't afford to make big changes in my wardrobe. But I think I will be trying to downplay my Mom look. For now that only means figuring out which clothes of mine are slightly more flattering and placing them on the easy to reach shelves. So what if some juice gets on my "good" clothes, right?